Lucy Martinez, leading New Life Christian Church's Divorce Care program for kids, wishes something like that existed for her when she was a teen-ager.
"My parents got divorced when I was 13 or 14, and I didn't have anywhere to go to talk to someone about it," she said. "So I got involved in negative behavior — partying, drinking, men."
For the past decade, though, Martinez, 26, has been working with teens at several churches and is now a vital part of New Life's Teen Care Ministry. She's also heading its Divorce Care program for high-schoolers, which began Feb. 13 and runs through May 16.
IT'S HELD every Sunday from 9:30-11 a.m. at Westfield High, where New Life meets, and is free. Teens are welcome to join anytime and do not have to be a member of the church to participate. To sign up, call 703-220-5022 or 703-266-0118.
"Regardless of where people are in their faith, or what denomination they are, it's open to anyone," said New Life spokeswoman Karen Pope. It's also a place where teens can speak freely. "The amount of confidentiality is incredible," said Pope. "What's said in there stays in there."
Martinez studied psychology, the past nine years, and started developing a proposal for the Divorce Care program, a couple years ago. "It was like a revelation from God that I should do this," she said."
"She also took a six-month training course in the Stephen Ministry," said Ron Furgerson, community care pastor at New Life. "It's a lay ministry with one-on-one caregiving." She then spoke to Furgerson and the Rev. Ron Ruble about her idea, and New Life decided to adopt it as a subset of its Divorce Care program for adults.
"At the same time, a company we work with came out with brochures about Divorce Care for elementary-school students, and we incorporated some aspects of it into our program," said Furgerson. "Before that, we didn't know of anything good that was specifically designed to help kids deal with that kind of an issue."
And, he added, children of divorce really need this information. "According to Dr. Robert Lewis, senior pastor of the Fellowship Bible Church in Little Rock, Ark., the No. 1 fear of kids is that dad will leave mom," said Furgerson. "Because it's so very common, they're threatened by it."
New Life's Teen Divorce Care for middle-school students was held from September through December 2004, and a new session will start again in the fall. Divorce Care for elementary-school children will also begin then.
MARTINEZ SAID the middle-school program was a "phenomenal success." Eight students from both Fairfax and Loudoun counties attended and, she said, "It was amazing." The students made their way through a workbook and, each week, they'd read about what other teens of divorce were feeling and would write down their own feelings.
"Then we'd come to class and discuss it," said Martinez. "There are four leaders total, and all of us have come from divorced families. If I'd had this program as a teen, I probably wouldn't have gotten into so much trouble and wouldn't have matured so late. I wouldn't have had to go to counseling if I'd been able to learn these things in a stable home."
"When we do this for adults, we discuss kid care, and we tell them not to bash the other parent to their children," said Furgerson. "And we have them discuss the possibility of reconciliation — at least, being open to it."
One of the middle-school students who participated in New Life's Teen Divorce Care program last fall was a boy named Nathan, who found it helped him a lot. "It's great to be able to discuss my parents' separation with other students who are experiencing the same feelings," he said. "It makes me realize I'm not unique or alone."
Parents receive summaries of the workbook sections so they may discuss them with their children and express their feelings openly about the divorce. The sections are as follows:
* Section 1 - How it Feels: Teens talk about their feelings of grief over their parents' divorce and are told the divorce is not their fault. They also read stories about other teens of divorce.
* Section 2 — Things That Change: Teens learn about new family arrangements, new homes for their parents, money challenges, new friends and schools and parent visitation.
* Section 3 — New Family Relationships: This part deals with single parents dating again and teens' feelings about these new people in their lives.
* SECTION 4 — Where is God When I Hurt? This section discusses the hurt teens feel when their parents divorce and helps them learn and grow from their difficult experiences.
* Section 5 — Dysfunctional Family Secrets: This part deals with the tough issues of adultery, abuse and addiction and explains that families and individuals need to open up about these problems that tore apart their families so they may break the cycle.
Martinez says one of the program's strengths is helping teens understand that they didn't cause their parents' divorce. It even benefited her. Said Martinez: "It helped me see that my parents had their own issues and baggage and their divorce really wasn't my fault."