Deane Williams may work for the Department of Defense as a chief in the Office of the Inspector General, but he recognizes that experience won’t help him when it comes to his teenage children.
"I have a sense that I have a heck of a lot to learn," said Williams. "I’m 51 years old and the world has changed a lot since I went through fifth and sixth grade."
Williams joined about 50 other parents on March 17 at Irving Middle School in Springfield for a program called "Your Changing Child."
The West Springfield Coalition, which is the West Springfield High pyramid division of Fairfax County Public Schools’ Safe and Drug Free Office, sponsored the program, which was designed to fill in the gaps in parents' knowledge about their soon-to-be middle schoolers.
"The purpose was to bring together the parents of fifth and sixth graders so that they could learn more information to help their changing child, their emerging adolescent stay strong, safe, healthy and out of trouble," said Sheila Avery, a counselor at West Springfield Elementary School.
Avery contacted 12 elementary schools each from the Lake Braddock and West Springfield pyramids for the event. Speakers included Teena Grodner, a Burke resident and judge in Fairfax County’s Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court; Joanne Mudd, a social worker; and a panel of West Springfield High seniors.
The 90-minute session covered as many topics as the speakers and parents wanted, with extensive time allowed for questions and answers. Parents were especially interested in finding out what that monumental transition from elementary to middle school was like for the seven teen panelists.
"I was petrified," said student Eden Berhane. "You realize that everybody there is strangers to everybody else, sort of like going to high school or college."
Mudd, who spoke first, focused on the developmental stages in adolescents, and Grodner, who is the mother of a Lake Braddock student, spoke about her experiences as both mother and judge.
"If you are going to have a teenager, or you already have a teenager, you need to realize that when you have a teenager, you suddenly become stupid," said Grodner. "You don’t know anything. You don’t understand anything."
She followed that statement with a caveat, however.
"Even though your child will think you’re clueless, you don’t want to be clueless. You want to be aware of what’s going on in their lives, what’s going on in their culture."
GRODNER MENTIONED that recent studies have shown a greater rate of teen involvement in drugs, alcohol and sexual activity in the early teen years. She cited a 2001 Fairfax County Public School study that revealed that of 4,000 eighth graders surveyed, 21 percent said they had used alcohol in the prior 30 days. It’s not an epidemic, she said, just something that parents today must watch out for.
"We have a tendency as parents to say 'it’s not our kids who are having these problems and getting into trouble, it’s other people’s kids.'"
Grodner highlighted the importance of communication and staying involved, even going as far as becoming the "Kool-Aid mom" who invites her children’s friends over to her house, so she can keep tabs on them.
"Be a reliable, straightforward source of information and be willing to listen. If you are open and honest with kids, they will be right back to you," she said.
Another good resource, said several of the teen panelists was the high school counseling office, and programs such as peer mediation, which allows students to learn communication and interpersonal skills. It’s important that a child be around similar children, said the students.
"Going from sixth to seventh grade was the biggest transition of my life," said student Katie Chesley.
"But (getting involved) made the transition a lot easier, with people you know. It’s easier to find people you relate with when you join a club or sports. Get your kids involved so they can find people they relate with."
Williams appreciated the honesty of the students, all of whom were involved in either peer mediation or peer helping programs.
"Having the opportunity to hear kids talk. I got a good sense of what they have experienced," he said. "It wasn’t all statistics."