It’s spring break, the time when parents step back from the sometimes frantic schedule of school, soccer and social events that governs their children’s lives.
It they’re feeling a little burned out, there are at least 11 reasons why, says pediatrician Berry Brazelton, whose books many parents regard as primers on child-rearing.
In talks with parents, teachers, and administrators at The Langley School in McLean last week, Brazelton said he’s identified at least 10 sources of stress that affect parents, even without the 11th; how to explain the war in Iraq.
Brazelton, now 84, appeared with his colleague, childhood specialist Joshua Sparrow in several meetings at the school.
He advised that parents “start by listening to the child, rather than telling” about perplexing events such as the war in Iraq, terrorist events of Sept. 11, and the sniper shootings.
“Kids can show you what their questions are, what their fears are, and how to make meaning of it,” he said.
But unless parents listen first, they might not grasp what their children are really worried about, Sparrow said, describing one three-year old who asked “Why would you want to have a war with a rock?” That’s how the child hear the word, “Iraq.”
Brazelton advised parents not to euphemise or avoid the subject of the war.
“They are bound to hear us rumbling and mumbling about the New York Times op-ed pieces,” he said. “If not, they are going to get it somewhere.”
Sparrow borrowed advice to children from the late Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers) after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks: “Look for the helpers.” He said children will be reassured by concentrating on the people who care for them and for others.
WHEN ONE LANGLEY TEACHER asked the two experts how to handle children whose expectations are extremely high but whose tolerance for frustration is very low, Brazelton responded with his trademark grin: “Get to their parents, quick!” he said.
“You are dealing with such people in their parents,” he said. “You are with privileged people [who have] very intelligent, gifted and privileged children. It must be extra hard to be their teachers.”
He warned teachers against “gate keeping.”
“Every passionate teacher is in competition with every passionate parent” he said, each believing he or she has the highest wisdom about the child.
Brazelton suggested that teachers have regular conferences with parents “in which this is brought to light. Then you become a team,” he said.
Sparrow reminded teachers that parents face immense pressures, observing that applications for admission to a single ivy-league college have increased in three years from 13,000 to 20,000 per opening because of the higher number of freshmen who are the offspring of baby boomers.
He suggested that parents teach their children to “celebrate their mistakes with humility as an opportunity for learning” and “model some level of comfort in facing our mistakes.
“That is a developmental challenge” for children, Sparrow said.
“It’s beyond a five-year old.”
Brazelton said parents do learn from their own mistakes, and have “plenty of modeling to go back to.”
He emphasized the importance of every child’s self-image.
“A child labels himself,” Brazelton said. “To change his own self-image takes a lot of thinking.”
Parents need to support children when they do something well, without overpraising them, he said.
“Self esteem has so much to do with the way kids behave,” Brazelton said, urging parents to “label the good things they do.”