When Judy Tripp, 43, was separating from her husband, she looked for some support to help her go through the process and discovered Fairfax Church of Christ's Divorce Recovery Support Group.
"I wasn't sure where my marriage was going and if I fit quite right for this group, since I was separated," she said. "But it was kind of nice knowing that what I was feeling and going through wasn't so unique, and that there were people there who could relate to my feelings."
The group started in September 1988, after the church held a seminar on coping with divorce and the challenges of single-parenting. And, said the group leader Jane McClain, "There was nothing like this in the area, at the time."
The church is in Fair Oaks at 3901 Rugby Road, just north of the intersection of Route 50 and the Fairfax County Parkway, and the group meets there Mondays, from 7:30-9 p.m. Walk-ins are welcome. The basic program lasts several months, but most people stay in it about a year. The group's composed equally of men and women ranging in age from early 20s to 60s and usually has about 40 participants.
And it's open to everyone, not just members of Fairfax Church of Christ. There's a $10 charge for the book that's used, but the classes are free. (For more information, call the church office at 703-631-2100 and ask for the Rev. Neal Milligan, the outreach minister; the Rev. Bruce Black, the pulpit minister; or a church secretary).
"We have people from all walks of faith who come to work on healing themselves, and church doctrines aren't involved," said McClain. "This is an outreach program to the community that the church sponsors."
The support group gives people a chance to: Work through the pain of divorce; feel, accept and understand their emotions; move forward with their lives; have a sense of hope for the future; better communicate their experience to family and friends; and be able to feel again and express forgiveness.
MOST OF ALL, it provides a safe environment where caring people help one another heal, grow and recover from the trauma of divorce. "The orientation program is like our E.R., for those who've recently learned a divorce or separation is about to take place," explained McClain. "And we discuss topics including feelings, concerns and expectations about the group and what they want out of it."
Participants talk about their current feelings and learn that their emotions are normal — that it's OK to be happy, sad, confused and frustrated — and that they need to experience these feelings. "But we don't want them to get stuck in being angry or frustrated, so we talk about those emotions," said McClain. "And we let other members share with them, 'I've felt that.'"
She said people in the group are in different stages of the process, and the whole concept is for each one to become a "whole person," again, no longer connected to their former spouse. And through it all, she said, they take steps forward and backward.
Orientation can take 10 weeks, depending on the individuals in it, and new people can be added, up to five to eight weeks into the program, "until you get about 12 people who can bond together and learn to trust each other," said McClain. "They share their stories and talk about what they've done that week, for example, 'This happened to me; has it ever happened to you?'"
At this point, they can still talk about their spouse. But, said McClain, "When we start the rebuilding process, we ask them to leave the spouse at the door."
NEXT COMES Rebuilding I and II — two, consecutive, 10-week studies of the book, "Rebuilding," by Bruce Fisher, an expert on marriage and relationships. In Rebuilding I, participants go through the first 10 chapters dealing with the emotions and pain of divorce. Rebuilding II involves the book's other 10 chapters and helps people transform their shattered self-esteem and eventually feel free to enjoy their own uniqueness and value.
"Then, if they so desire, they can continue on to the advanced-studies group, focusing on self-discovery and the pursuit of new goals," said McClain. "People bond with others in the group and find they need that support system. I went through a divorce and separation and was part of the original divorce-recovery group, so the group members know that I've been there, too."
In addition, the leaders facilitating the groups have also been divorced. There are five, besides McClain, and they take turns leading the different sections of the program. They also get together for social activities, such as group dinners, holiday gatherings, movies, parties and picnics. At times, guest speakers discuss things such as preparing themselves for holidays.
"And we also have other professionals come in and speak, during the course of the program," said McClain. "For example, they might talk about stress management or parenting teens. Or an attorney might discuss Virginia laws and what you should look for [when choosing] an attorney."
Tripp, of McLean, said the divorce-recovery group was one reason she eventually joined Fairfax Church of Christ. She said others in the group were able to tell her what she'd be going through next, as she headed toward a divorce, and she could ask them for advice. It also helped her make new friends.
"It was nice to have people I could talk to and call if I was having a bad day — people, not family," said Tripp. "And they were people I could get together with on days like Valentine's Day when you don't want to be alone."
SHE'D RECOMMEND the group to others because "it's a good support system and it can help you move through the process, instead of getting stuck in a spot. It's been very helpful."
Darrel Smith, 48, of Montclair, went through the program in 2000 (he's been a member of the church since the mid-1990s) and is now one of the group leaders. He, too, said how worthwhile and valuable it is.
"My ex-wife and I had been in marriage counseling for several years and, as we started the divorce process, I realized I could benefit from the group," he explained. "You go through a wide range of emotions, and I joined the group so I could understand what happened and take positive steps to get myself back into balance."
Smith went through his group with 10-12 people and, he said, about eight have stayed close and developed lasting friendships. "It's a safe place and nonjudgmental," he said. "You become close to the group because you share things with them that you've shared with few others — and they respect your privacy."
A group leader since 2002, he said "a lot more women than men" go through these groups. And since it's recognized that a male point of view is needed to provide perspective, each group has both a male and a female leader, where possible.
"It's also an opportunity for me to give back to the program, since I've benefited from it," said Smith. "The greatest thing we do is provide an opportunity for people to begin the healing process."
McClain said the toughest part for her was learning not to get emotionally involved in people's lives. "When you've got 10 people in the room and they're hurting, you want to be a caretaker," she said. "But you have to show them how to do for themselves."
Smith said the leaders have to be flexible to let people who need to talk, do so, but make sure that everybody gets a chance to speak. Meanwhile, leaders also learn to be more empathetic and sympathetic listeners.
Most rewarding, said Smith, was "being able to see, over a reasonably short period of time, someone who's come in thinking 'All is lost, all is hopeless,' really be able to take charge of their lives again, find balance and find the self-confidence and self-awareness to go on again."