There’s that guy at the intersection of South Washington and Prince Streets in Old Town who is causing problems for a lot of people. To many he is a permanent protester, holding up traffic, distracting drivers and refusing to move. Like many of the professional protesters hanging around in Berkeley and NYC in recent days, his upkeep is supported by someone else’s money. But we’ll get back to him in a moment.
What to do about Alexandria, that once quaint but lively seaport town, captured by the Union during the Civil War and involuntarily thrust into the political and social fray. That beautiful and thriving “Southern” community that chose to defy the United States. The town where for almost 100 years slaves were bought, sold and placed into households and other servitude, then unceremoniously buried and forgotten. The city that held on to this legacy by naming many streets, parks and alleys, not to mention memorials, after dead Southern warriors and rebel leaders. It begs the question: what do we do with a problem like Alexandria?
If you put gospel stock in most everything written in the press, you’d believe that the majority of people born and raised north of D.C. are afraid to venture downwind of the airport for fear of entering a Dixie wasteland full of gun totin’, bible thumpin’ xenophobes. Stories daily abound regarding the backwardness of our Commonwealth, despite the plain fact that our state has for years elected quite liberal senators, now has the most left of center governor and attorney general ever, and currently has an Alexandria city government that could be politely described as, well, very progressive.
But back to our problem: What to do with this backwards town named Alexandria, that to some seems lost in time and struggling to hold on to its unhappy heritage?
Fear not, visitors, residents and curiosity seekers, I have a solution. There is no need to tear down, rearrange or destroy anything in our city that reminds us of the past. Let us instead re-imagine Alexandria! Might we together engage in a mindful and happy re-thinking of our avenues, lanes and structures in a manner that all can embrace? Could we purposefully re-create the ultimate, non-threatening safe space — dare I say “sanctuary” full of warm and knowable names? And, since history is considered a dying field of study in our schools and universities, should we not, in keeping with the times, take an entirely new tack? Yes! We must begin anew by appealing to a 21st century populace that celebrates the culturally contemporary, the inoffensive, recognizable and undeniably hip.
Here are just a few examples of what I am humbly proposing for your consideration:
Re-imagine Green Street: a place where the environment is always guarded and cared for.
Re-imagine Wolfe Street: a reminder that we must be vigilant in protecting the endangered species of the world.
Re-Imagine Lee Street: Who better to honor than Bruce Lee, actor, entertainer, really cool dude and champion of all kids who experience bullying?
Re-imagine Cameron Street: Ms. Diaz would likely be grateful and possibly enticed to stop here for a latte after visiting Congress to testify on any one of her important concerns.
Re-imagine Franklin Street: Named after one of our greatest artists — Aretha — and a place where people of all nations, faiths , backgrounds and musical tastes will always be re-re-re-spected. Right on, I love her!
Re-imagine Queen Street: A street open to interpretation and many possibilities but definitely calling for a rainbow flag on every block.
Re-imagine King Street: Many options here: MLK of course since we don’t have a MLK Boulevard. There is also Stephen (nah, too scary in my opinion) and Billie Jean, but neither have MLK’s undeniable gravitas and stature. So the reason for re-imagining the street to honor this great man is rather obvious. And why not, down with the monarchy!
Sincere apologies if none of the above re-imaginings rise to Alexandrians’ high standards. I am certain that among the hundreds if not thousands of creative imaginers who reside in our fair city, suitable re-imagining could be applied to any nook or cranny deemed to be outdated or offensive.
Now as to that traffic stopper, the youngish, good-looking, mustachioed guy who resolutely stands with arms crossed on his stone pedestal, looking south on Washington Street in his sturdy military jacket, slouchy boots, with tousled hair and toting a very au courant man purse on his right hip. After a much thought and in view of the aptly named cross-street, and with great admiration for and appreciation of a man too soon deceased who we all loved and admired, I propose a “monumental change.” Let us not be intimidated by the obstinate, defeated Confederate soldier who for many years has challenged our driving skills and historical sensibilities. May his visage instead be joyfully re-imagined by all of Alexandria as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.